Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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