AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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