Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
