If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
