Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
