what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
