I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
