They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
