The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
