so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
operation harelip BJ is a go
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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