So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
