wrigley field is MILF paradise
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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