Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
