And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
