im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
