The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
