You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
