So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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