i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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