I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
