Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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