Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
