my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
