Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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