Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I only lived at night.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
