I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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