dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
