Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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