Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
