HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
