i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
