I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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