i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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