When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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