"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
