i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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