so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
