so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
