So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
