I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
