i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
