We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
