he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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