I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
