Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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