I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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