Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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