hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
