How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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