**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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