Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
