U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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